i'm probably living through numbered days. i'm simply waiting for the new beginning to my life. as i pack my bags leaving my job as a barista and moving on to being an assistant baker. i still have doubts and the idea of me going back to pastry frightens me everytime i thought about it. because it's been really long since i last left off. but ive got to start now, if not when, right? i'm sure theres many more i should improve on and as long as i have the kitchen, i'd do my very best to be th best i never was. let's start things slow, live by every day enjoying and cherishing every moment and see what God has lay out for me. 

other than that, i'm currently enjoying th break i have for myself until my next job. and i dont know if its anxiety i'm feeling right now, but. oh well. 

nothing's changed. i'm still on a love-hate relationship with my sister. forever shouting in each other's faces then suddenly laughing like monkeys. th next thing we know we're simply kicking each other off th bed made up after that and have heart to heart girl talk then suddenly she'd knocked out first and th night goes by.

having morning schedules are always th best. coming home to see my entire family. my mum and dad especially. it would just give my heart a warm feeling. sitting in th living room, chiiling after dinner and sharing our day to one another. it's really nice to know i have a warm home to return to, a home that would protect me from the outside world.

i'm still waking up every morning to goodmorning texts from th man after thanking God for granting me another day to live. then thanking Him for the happiness i've been overwhelmed with. the wonders of having a religion to turn to. because when every back is turned against you, you still know theres still Him to turn to. one who would never give up on us. and is always willing to forgive.

remember how i used to blog so much about slipping away, falling hard and feeling helpless? i don't have to fear the fall anymore. because it felt right now, i can fall as hard as i can. i've found my safest place to land. 

i'm always having bitch fits and more often than not i'll always be throwing my tantrums. i'd find fault in th littlest of all things. i'd stormed off fuming in rage. leave him behind me to catch up on my steps. i'd glare into those soft eyes. i'd swat off his hand. i'd push him away. brush him off my shoulders. always taking advantage of his existence in my life.

i'd come home, take a relaxing cold shower and begin to feel bad. i'll realise how much of a fool ive made myself look, picking up a fight with someone so helpless to even do anything. who'd take a step back when i start one of my rage fits.

but guess what.

despite all of that, when i turn back. i'll still see him standing there. probably with one of his stupid boyish guilty smile that i have come to love. he'd probably had his arms open for me to run back and before i could say sorry. he would shut me up.

i can't stay mad at him for very long. i would fail miserably. and i hate to argue with him because silly boy always have all th right reasons to reason out with me. he's like water to my fiery temper.

he's like th balance i needed in my life. 

he's the safest place i could land whenever i let myself fall. he'd be glad to save me. 

he might not be that perfect boyfriend every girls dream of every night. he might not be everyone of my friends' favourite and how we get this far was really nasty. how could one make a girl who lost everything when she fell in love feel like she have lost nothing at all?

i will admit how much i miss hanging out with girlfriends that i once used to be so close with. no matter how much i try to deny it. they do give me happiness then. but i hate how things gets nasty and complicated along the way. and fixing things this broken could probably lead to more hurt souls. 

i love how life is going on for me rn.

theres nothing more i could ask for.